One of the interesting things about Prison is that everyday is pretty much the same. I say “interesting” because once I accept this fact and develop a routine, I start to notice things. One of the biggest things I have noticed is how much of my emotional ups and downs are centered completely in my mind. My mind is where all my pain is located. In an environment where my outward “life” is almost completely static, things slow down and I can track all my struggles to my mind.
On the outside, it is so easy for me to fall for the thought that my frustrations are caused by outward forces such as people, places and things. With so much going on in the day to day of “free” life, it is hard to see that my issues are typically of my own making. In here, I am slowed down enough to see that all of my problems are tied to what I am thinking or feeling about something. Something that is almost always out of my control.
This understanding is definitely growing in me. I am not cured or above this mind made misery, but I am starting to see the patterns and how they grab ahold of me and drag me into despair. This is most evident when I am talking to my family when they are struggling with one thing or the other. When I hear about their pain, the powerlessness I feel crashes into me like a wave. This wave will often trigger my marvelous crisis coordinator in my mind. Once that is activated, I can spiral for minutes, hours and even days if I let it. This is silly, because the initial issue is almost always something I cannot control or help in any way. Unnecessary emotional pain is the result. Here is the kicker, in all cases, when I just sit back and just add love and support, all these issues have miraculously solved themselves.
I have heard wise AA old timers say that we should “give our problems to God, and then do something else”. If we do this God will take care of it. This has been what I have been seeing. When I stop obsessing and trying to manage that issue at hand, and instead focus on being loving and kind these issues seem to resolve themselves. The old-timers seem to be right once again.
It is not lost on me that I am currently at a “Spiritual Training Camp”. Once I am back in the hustle of everyday life, I know this will be more difficult to see. I know that I am here to learn some lessons, and practicing these spiritual tools seems to be one of the things God wants me to do. My hope is that this time will continue to shape me into what I am supposed to be. Which I believe is the best husband, father and AA member I can possibly be.
I am grateful to be learning more about myself and God. I am grateful to have a loving family of kind souls that do not quit. I am also grateful that I am one day closer to being back with all the people that I love. You know who you are.
One Response
Just heard about this site today from an AA friend who is bald, old, and plays tennis. Well maybe in his drinking days played tennis? Crazy I just picked this post as my first read. Man you hit it that my mind is the center of my emotional ups and downs. How I perceive people and my circumstances. I take action simple as a walk, raking leaves, or throwing the football with kids it changes. Love you keep them coming.