“Don’t Have A Way” is the name of this blog site. Before coming to prison, this name seemed like a cute name that pays homage to one of my favorite AA speakers. I picked this name two days before leaving my family, my head swirling with thoughts and emotions. When I chose this name, I thought that “Don’t Have A Way” would be a nice little concept to keep in mind as I traverse the next phase of my journey. As I write this, I am well over a month into my prison stay. Now, I would not describe this concept as nice or cute. No, this has proven to be a deep and painful concept to experience.
I have noticed that my default setting is to have a way automatically. By “a way”, I mean that I have a way that I want almost every situation to turnout. In prison, I want a certain job, I want to be left alone, I want it to be quieter, I want to be at home, I want, I want, I want, and the list goes on. On the outside, I want my family to be ok, I want my friends to be ok, and I want my business to thrive and on and on and on. Everywhere I look, I seem to have a way.
As I notice these things. I cant help but notice that it is also impossible for all these things to fall in a specific direction. If they fall in a way not aligned with “my way” then I am disturbed and I suffer. As I sit in here and take a look at my life, this concept really starts to be more about letting go. Letting go of what I think I want. I could list a hundred examples of this but lets talk about the big one. My release date.
There are so many variables that will dictate my release date from here. There are parts that I can control and parts I can not. In the end I don’t have control, but I can put myself in a better position to leave at an earlier date. This creates a huge Spiritual trap. Clearly, getting home to my Family as soon as possible is the goal. The trap is that I can easily start to obsess over this and try to hard to impact this. The dark side to this, is that if I choose to manipulate or lessen the pain, I could impact this negatively by making poor choices.
Last week, I found myself obsessing over this. I was counting days, running calculations and scenarios and constantly thinking about the future release date. Then it dawned on me, “I Don’t Have A Way”. I turned it back over to God and settled back in. My Sponsor gave me explicit direction to get back in the moment and to stop thinking in the future. He reminded me that God is here and now, not out in the future. My conscious prayer switched to “God, help me be here right now”.
God knows I want to go home, but it is clear that God wants me here right now. I have recommitted to being here one day at a time. I am committed to doing my time here by following the directions of my sponsor, other mentors, the BOP and ultimately God. Like on the outside, I need to focus on the daily actions of recovery and trust God to deliver me to where I need to be.
Like most things Spiritual, “Not Having A Way” is not one and done. It is a practice. I must continue to surrender “my way” and trust the way that my life unfolds. I will keep falling forward.
