Its Saturday July 13th, 2024. I am close to finishing my 6th day in Federal Prison. Each day has been a little easier than the day before. I have been thinking a lot about community. I have spent the last six days trying to adjust to a new place with new people. I live in a housing unit with 110 men. There are four housing units here, so roughly 540 men in my new world. It is chaotic and intense. This is my new community.
I was given advice before I came by people that have been through this. The main advice was to keep my head down. I assumed this was a figure of speech, and that they were telling me to keep a low profile. This advice is literal and figurative. I am actually keeping my head down here. People here do not always greet each other. I may have a conversation with someone on one day and the next they walk by without looking up. This is a strange world.
This awkward and cold environment has illuminated the community that I left behind. The first community I think about is the people in my home, I call them Family Team. They do not keep their head down. They laugh, cry, yell, fight and love…and they do it big. I miss them so much. Not just the happy and fun parts, all of it. The pain, the struggle and the messy parts of it all. There is definitely pain an struggle here, but it is all done solo. Its lonely. I miss doing my daily life with my wife and children. Family Team.
The second community I have been thinking about is the recovery community I left behind. A beautiful collection of broken, loving, caring people. People that are seeking a common spiritual solution and finding ways to love and serve with each other. There is not much of that here, that I have seen so far. There is a a lot of hopelessness here. People dealing with a lot of pain with no solution other than seeking immediate relief. Being thrust into this environment, has shown me what a gift the program is in my life. The support and love that is freely given is easily something I can take for granted. I had no idea how much the hugs from my family and my friends at the Couch Group totally calm my soul. Being without that love has been a painful adjustment.
Another realization I have had is that my spirituality has been very reliant on community. This is a good thing, until you are ripped from your community. I have realized how much of my personal program is people focused around meetings, sponsorship, fellowship with friends and phone calls. I am feeling the call to focus on my personal seeking. I am being very intentional with daily prayer, meditation, devotionals and other spiritual readings. I know my Higher Power is directing this, I can feel it.
I want to be back with my Family Team, and my recovery community. Until then, I will keep trying to see and learn what I am supposed to. I love and miss all of you.
