A new month. Nearly 4 weeks in. Today is the first day of school back home. This is always a challenging time in our house. The transition, anxiety of the new year, fears, and all the extra to do items always seem to throw us for a loop. It’s always difficult when I am there. Well, it is still difficult when I am not there. Having a husband and father in prison makes hard things harder. This is a fact. This week, as I speak with my family, I am feeling this deeply. The calls have been sad. I have been seeing and feeling the reality of what I have created. My choices and mistakes are undoubtedly hurting the people I love the most. This week has had me feeling powerlessness in a deep way. There is nothing I can do to alleviate the pains we all feel right now. All I can do is sit in this comfortability and try and move forward doing the next right thing accepting the current reality for what it is.
Yesterday, while exercising in the yard, I found myself having a conversation with God. It started as a negotiation. I was trying to bargain my way out of this spiritual/emotional pain. I quickly caught myself, realizing that I don’t haggle with God…because it doesn’t work. Instead, I started to think that maybe this current reality is exactly what I need. The struggle is strongest as I try to accept that my family has to endure this reality. The feeling of powerlessness is overwhelming at times. I found myself saying the serenity prayer multiple times per day. There is nothing I can do besides reaching out daily and also preparing myself to be the best husband and father I can be when I get out. I am doing this with diligence, but it still feels severely inadequate.
Another realization I have had is that I am supposed to be here, and I am supposed to be feeling all this. Acceptance is taking on new meaning in prison. The only thing I know to do is to keep seeking my Higher Power and keep trusting that everything is going to be ok. I am continually letting go.
A dear friend sent me this quote and I have it displayed in my cell: “That which we resist, persists!”
I am trying to stop resisting. I am trying to stop resisting my time here, my suffering, my negative thoughts and my emotions. I am trying to just feel what comes. I am trying to trust God and do the next right thing. I am trying to trust that this is the path that will lead me back to the people I love.
