I have been in Prison for two months today. Sixty two days to be exact, but who is counting (haha)? It is 8am on Sunday morning. They don’t turn the lights on in the unit until 10am on the weekends, so most of the men are still sleeping. I just finished my morning spiritual readings and I am enjoying a freshly stirred cup of instant coffee. I am looking out a window that over looks the Prison compound. In the distance, I see the guard towers that surround the adjacent medium security prison . Past that, I see beautiful pine trees that are a rich green extending up into a beautiful blue sky. The institutional gray, forest green and sky blue layer to form a beautiful view. I am grateful that I can see these colors this morning, I am grateful that I am calm enough to notice the beauty out the window. Two months ago I could not, as I was in constant fear, my nervous system in a constant state of fight or flight. I am thankful that that phase is over.
So here I sit now, in a new phase. I think this new phase is how I will serve most of my time here. I have a routine. I read and write, I pray and meditate, I exercise and I have a job. I even watch some football and hang out some with fellow inmates. I continue to study, mainly spiritual and business books. I wouldn’t say that this is easy, but it is not as intense and chaotic as the first weeks. I am still very vigilant, I focus everyday to stay out of the way and well away from trouble. Trouble typically in here typically results in more time here, and my primary goal remains to return to my family and community at the earliest possible date.
My constant prayer to God is for help to just be here. I am asking for help to be present in the moment. I know on an intellectual level that I am supposed to be here now, but it is so easy to drift mentally in the future past some magical unknown release date. Almost everyone here is living in the future most of the time. There are a few however, that live here and now, and they make this place better. My readings have been centered around the concept of living one “stitch” at a time. Following God’s will moment to moment, doing the next right thing. This is what I am trying to do.
I am currently reading “The Practice of the Presence of God” by Brother Lawrence. This is a beautiful spiritual piece written in the 1600’s, and it gives some great and simple ways to get closer to God. Brother Lawrence says that the most excellent method he had found of going to God was just to do our normal activities without any view of pleasing men, and just purely for the love of God. I love the simplicity of this. I think that means that I just have to do the best I can today and try to think about God in the process. In here, that means do my routine, be loving and kind, and stay out of the future. On the outside, I believe this means I need to be a great husband, father and member of AA. All of this simply to please God, not to impress people or gain materially. What a thing to strive for. Pureness of heart. Like most things spiritual, aim for a lofty goal and even when I fall short I can be better than I was yesterday.
Thank you God for carrying me through the last two months.
