The hardest part of being in Prison has been by far the emotional pain caused by missing my family. At times the pain is overwhelming. Before I arrived here I knew on an intellectual level that this would be hard, but the actual feeling of loneliness and loss have been more than I anticipated. The second hardest part has been being separated from my recovery community. This community made up of my sponsor, sponsees, home group and friends has become a huge part of my life. Over the last five years this community has nursed me back to spiritual health. I have come to rely on the deep spiritual connections made, and the constant love and support the community offers. This power and love seems to flow most freely with the communication of one alcoholic to another.
When I arrived here…arguably the scariest place I have ever been, I had to do this without having this superpower physically with me. This is where things became interesting. All of the love and connection from the past five years has followed my right in here. I have received countless letters and emails from my people. Other inmates are actually making fun of me because I receive mail from people everyday. 80% of that mail is from AA members…unreal. The love and support that has been shown to my family and I is staggering and nothing short of a beautiful demonstration of the beauty of AA and God’s unconditional love. It feels as if my community is doing the time with me. For the first forty five days I lived on this love.
As I settled in here, I continued to ask God how I could help others. This is tricky here, because it is very wise to keep your head down and stay out of the way. After my first month I was connected to TM. TM, a fellow inmate, was locked up for similar reasons as I. He is also a sober alcoholic. When I met him he had about seven weeks left on his time here. He was completing the inmate drug and alcohol program and he was sitting on about sixteen months of sobriety (bulk of it being in here). We connected at first because he took a second to be kind to a new guy (me). We then connected on Recovery. Then, with about a month to go on his time, he asked if I had a minute to talk. He shared with me that his wife was in the process of divorcing him, he also shared that his father had passed a few months earlier (while in here). It became clear that TM had been through the wringer.
TM and I walked and talked for the next thirty days. Nearly every evening. He wanted to process his divorce and recovery life after release and I wanted to connect with a fellow alcoholic and be of service. I found myself sharing quotes from the Couch Group and my sponsor. We spent a lot of time talking about the “Everything is going to be ok” concept. We talked about how important it is to get in the middle of AA. We discussed how no matter much it feels like we need to make money, that we really need to get closer to God. We talked about putting God and AA first, and trusting that everything else would fall into place.
I think TM felt as though I was helping him, maybe so. However, I know he was really helping me. Everything I shared with him was what I needed as well. He allowed me to connect, which I desperately needed. I felt free when walking with him. Working with alcoholics is my passion, nothing quiets the nasty obsessive voice in my head like one on one work with an alcoholic. This kind of connection is rare in Prison, I am thankful to have received this gift.
TM was released. It was a beautiful day. I was able to have breakfast with him the morning he left. I grateful to have met him, and I pray that he stays on the path. I am thankful that God put him in my way, to give me another example of his love and care. There is so much love in the world, even here…I can find it if I seek.
