Yesterday I woke up with a heavy heart. It was the first day of school at home. I felt overwhelming powerlessness and deep emotional pain. Suffering. It was on me in a big way. I wanted to help, but other than calling and offering a few kind and loving words…I was powerless to help.
My cellie has a Bible based devotional book that I have started including in my morning quiet time. Yesterday’s devotional was centered on LUKE 22:42 (NIV). Here it is:
“Father, if you are willing, take away this cup of suffering. But do what you want, not what I want.”
After reading this, I immediately grabbed onto the “take away the suffering” part. As I continued through the day, I began to think deeper on the entire message. What kept coming up is that its definitely ok for me to ask God to relieve my suffering, but at the same time that its God’s will not mine that needs to be done. I kept thinking that perhaps God wants me to have some suffering. Maybe the suffering will be used to teach me something. The problem is that, I don’t like pain. I often will go to great lengths to avoid or remove suffering. The other problem, is that I never see the value in suffering after it is over and the meaning becomes clear. This comes up time and time again in recovery.
So what am I supposed to do with this pain? I think I need to once again find a way to trust God. I need to trust that God will take care of my wife and children. I need to trust that God will take care of me. I think I need to align with God’s will. I have been taught that God’s will is “what’s happening right now”. If I internalize that then I need to be right here, and accept what’s happening and open my eyes to ways I can be useful to God and others. I feel strongly that my main job right now is to stay out of trouble and focus on doing the next right thing in prison.
I know that God will take away my current pain and suffering eventually. This too shall pass. Today’s devotional answered the question of why and when. The devotional stated that “how I endure suffering” can be used as an example for others. I think this means if I keep going and stay close to God that he will see me through and use this to help others. It reminds me of third step prayer prayer “Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I may help”. This is a noble and high goal considering that most days I just want the pain to stop. When I slow down and breathe, I know in my heart that this is the way. I will continue to try to trust when the fear and pain spikes, and hopefully someday I will see the meaning behind all of this.
