I am two weeks in. In some ways that seems like a lot, and it some ways it feels like nothing. Two weeks out there is a chunk of time…in here compared to 18 months it’s not much. Two weeks into the unimaginable. For five years my main fear was going to prison. It happened and guess what? I’m ok.
This place is not fun. It is cold and hopeless. The feeling of powerlessness is oppressive. The pain I feel missing my family is heavy and constant. It’s a constant ache that I was not prepared for. I am constantly in a state of vigilance to make sure I don’t get caught up in something that could prolong my time here. I cannot work in my business, control my schedule or make independent decisions on anything. I am truly powerless. Despite these things and feelings, I am still finding myself to be ok. At peace.
I find that this peace is shattered when I start obsessing. There have been two major traps. The first, worrying about my family. The second, thinking about my release date and how to speed that up. I am powerless over these two things. I literally have to focus on doing the best job I can being here today. One day at a time. So, here I am doing today. I did my quiet time, read, prayed and meditated. I sent a morning message to my wife and sponsor. Now I am writing this. Focusing on these actions are actually allowing me to have a quiet pleasant morning as I enjoy my commissary instant coffee.
At my AA home group, we often share the following quote…”it’s either going to be ok, or it’s going to be ok!”. Sitting here is federal prison on a cloudy morning in July having a peaceful morning is my current version of “or its going to be ok!”.
Yes, I have current pain and frustration. Yes, fear and shame crop up on when I think about the future and past. Right here, right now I am finding that I am 100% ok. I don’t fully understand how this happens, but I do know it is tied to the seeking of a Higher Power and a Spiritual Solution. Despite being cut off from my normal routines, I have been led to new ones. Prayer, meditation, reading and writing have moved front and center here. I find that God is very flexible in how I approach. I feel down deep that the only thing my God wants is for me to continue to seek. It’s all going to be ok. I hope I can remember this, when the next fear settles in.
